Over the course of the past couple months, as you're aware I've been working on launching a business. In the past week or two, I've also done a lot of homework with one of my trimesters at MSOE finishing up.
With that has come the realization that I don't have an unlimited amount of time, so I've short-changed my writing in the mean time. For evidence of that fact look how irregularly I've been posting.
I've encountered a problem though. Over the course of the past month I've found myself increasingly unhappy with my life.
For those of you that know me or know about me, this should certainly come as kind of "well how can this be?" After all, I live a dream life. I go to college for next to free, I consistently get high grades without appearing to try, I'm self-employed and doing fairly well with that, and overall I live an extremely conflict free life. I don't mean to toot my own horn, it's simply the reality of the situation.
Yet, for the past couple of weeks I've woke up every day thinking that this is going to be worse than the one before me. I find momentary joy when I realize that hey, if I feel bad, just think how bad George Bush must feel.
Anyway, over the past couple of days though have finally stumbled upon what may be my problem.
The key to my happiness is when I feel I am valuable to someone else. I derive almost zero satisfaction from doing something for myself. This is evident in nearly every aspect of my life. It's why I'm this crazy liberal that is obsessed with the environment and making sure everyone has what they need. It's why I find it fun to edit the Wikipedia, it's why I obsessively tag my photos online, and it's why I blog. On a more intimate note, it's probably why I seem to date women for long periods of time and struggle with breakups. It's why I worked at the Boys & Girls Club for so long. The fact that I like to feel valuable is I'm sure why I go out of my way to help people on the street.
But when you stop for a minute, what I have done for the past few months? Turns out in the past few months I've been doing actions that assure I won't feel valuable to the community. I've been working on two things. Getting the business off the ground and taking care of my school work. While I've been successful at those things, they don't actual bring me any happiness.
Money certainly does not buy happiness.
Happiness, for me, is found in the success of others. I really can't think of a better feeling than leading someone else to success.
To that point, I am not a team player. I struggle to be a part of any team I am on. Not because I dislike my teammates/coworkers, but because I have a born instinct that I must lead. I can't function at a low level in a large corporation. I feel useless. I am diverging from my point though.
To put a spotlight on the issue I have failed to do the things in life that make me happy. I have not spent time editing the Wikipedia, I have not uploaded many photos to Flickr and the like, I have not spent time reading RSS feeds so that I can share with the masses what is going on in the world and how it affects them, and most importantly I have not blogged.
My point in this post is not to ramble on about how miserable or not miserable my life may be, it's to share with you what I've been feeling in hopes that it may be of value to you. It's also to define to myself what I should do with Fresh Coast Ventures, which is quickly becoming my life, and that is build businesses that have value to the community.
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or week, and there's no promises of peace or happiness.
